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My Dog is an Asshole

Generally speaking, I am a good person.  I am a rock star of a mom, I run my own successful business, I volunteer my time, effort and money to multiple charities and I make it a general rule to treat others even better than I expect to be treated. Mother Teresa I am not; but one thing I have done is adopt rescued animals.  …

My “Liberal, Progressive, Smartass Arsenal”

Back in July, we wrote a post specifically regarding the Chick-fil-A “controversy”.  It was one of our most popular posts and we lost a grand total of one Facebook follower because of it.  Awesome!

A few weeks ago, a gentleman from Utah named “Gregory” (his real name) stumbled across that image on our Pinterest page

The Haters’ (Sort of) Guide to the “American Girl” Doll

I’m not really sure that I would consider myself a “sparkly” person. But sure, I’ll let it shine. I’ll let it shine so hard. Can you feel it? Can you feel it shining? Oh me, oh my. 

When I first walked into the brand-new “Sparkly” American Girl store in the Memorial Mall I wanted to puke on site. For months and months now I have had to stare at this giant Pink monstrosity being built. …

Advice from the Wife of a Shrink

Being married to a shrink is tough business. Not because he’s a shrink, but because he’s friends with shrinks, and works with shrinks, and I am surrounded by shrinks!

How would you feel if every party you went to you were constantly being put under the microscope?

“I think she’s bi-polar,” said one.

“No she has ADD,” says another. 

Best Suggestion We’ve EVER Seen on the Internet

This suggestion is so good, it’s basically a Public Service Announcement

Overachieving Mommies . . . The Child’s Birthday Party Edition

A few months ago, a delicious little site called People I Want to Punch in the Throat took on the topic of overachieving mommies and kid’s birthday parties.  If you haven’t had a chance to read it, I highly recommend doing so (just not right now).  Jen writes some seriously funny shit.  This post in particular made me laugh out loud because, simply put, I am:

Always Wash the Produce

If you’ve ever needed or wanted a really, really good reason to thoroughly wash your grocery store or farmers market bought produce . . . my five-year old IS that reason.

Here’s my typical grocery store/farmers market experience with MIC (“My Imaginary Child”):

Scene:  (Mommy and MIC walk into produce section.)

Another ‘Sanctimommious’ Supermodel Waxes Philosophical on Childbirth

Dear, sweet, baby Jesus.  Please help us all.

Another supermodel has opened her delicately shaped mouth about motherhood and childbirth.  May I please introduce Miranda Kerr  (a.k.a. “Orlando Bloom’s Wife and Baby Mama”).

From the Harper’s Bazaar UK edition:

I had made a decision that I wanted to do (childbirth) naturally.  I had been watching all these baby-bonding videos, and (without epidural) when the baby comes out it goes straight onto the breast.  Then they showed ones right after the epidural, and that didn’t happen.  The baby was a little bit drugged up, and I was like ‘Well, I don’t want that.’  I wanted to give him the best possible start in life I could.

Deep breath.

If she had only ended her statement about childbirth with “I had made a decision that I wanted to do it naturally,” then I would have stood up and applauded her with loud, slow clapping noises and said, “Good for you sweetheart!! …

Private School

Recently I was formally introduced to the grueling process of applying to a private elementary school. When I went to a private elementary back in the 70’s, all you needed was a love of disco, some feathered hair, and you were in.

But today’s private schools are a different world. It’s all about IQ tests, letters of recommendation, three legged races, and some eye of newt. …

Our Open Letter to Chick-fil-A

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Mr. S. Truett Cathy
Founder, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
Chick-fil-A
5200 Buffington Road
Atlanta, GA  30349


Mr. Cathy (I purposefully left off the “Dear” part):

I realize that my boycott of your restaurant will make a mathematically inconsequential difference to your company’s revenue and earnings streams.

The Rise of “Mommy Porn” (Pun Intended)

Well, now I’m just annoyed.

Why are things like Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey such a big, damn deal?

Why is the phrase “Mommy Porn” or “Housewife Porn” even being kicked around??

By default, does that make all other porn “Daddy Porn”???

But of course the best part about all of it is seeing lots of ladies pretty little panties getting into very, very tight little wads.

Mommy Business Cards

Jenny Larson is a genius.  I swear, I still can’t think of the phrase “Knock, knock motherfucker!” without getting a severe case of the giggle fits.

So when I came across a post of hers that discussed “mommy business cards”, I just knew that at least one of them would have an F bomb in it.

I was right.

But it was printed in a cool font, so that made it a lot nicer.

That Damn Time Magazine Cover

So I was told by my favorite, fellow mommy blogger quote “Not to touch this with a ten-foot pole.”

I promise I won’t.

Instead, I’ll snuggle right on up next to it.

It took me a while to figure out what my “angle” was going to be with this one.  As a chronic insomniac, I spent the early morning hours reading hundreds of comments, comments to comments and comments to comments to comments trying to figure what I personally thought about the situation.

Why We Should All Talk to Our Children Less

Admit it.  You know you think about doing this.

You have a very bright child.

And you ask that very bright child a simple question (or vice versa).

Next thing you know, you find yourself sucked into a vortex where “toddler reasoning” takes hold and you end up regretting the question and inevitably questioning the outcome.

The Brickster

I don’t know how many of you know who Samantha Brick is, but she has weaseled her way back into the news once more. Samantha Brick or the “Brickster” as I like to call her, is a self proclaimed Trophy Wife.  Aren’t we all?

Now I could do what many have done before me and make fun of her. If you’ve read any of my other blogs you probably already know I have the tongue of a serpent and an ass that you cannot bounce a quarter on. …

Time Magazine Cover

Yep, THAT one.  I’m so over it, and I still have a post that I’ve written on my hard drive with my thoughts on the matter. However, I’m on vacation and so I think I will save that for later.  Instead, I’ll post the “fun” one I wrote, because I’m just kind of done with the whole debate.  Here’s a thought - I won’t tell you how and what to feed your healthy kid and you don’t have to worry about what I feed mine.  …

Reason to Adopt

I have really been feeling sad lately. I think I may be having “One Child Remorse.” I’m not sure that is an actual ailment because I just made that up. But I’ve been feeling really badly about not giving my wonderful daughter a sibling. Not to mention my poor husband who had dreams of a smiling boy he could take hunting and fishing with him. …

Stop With All the Llama Drama!

Oh . . . My . . . God.  It is so much fun to write a snarky blog.  It really is a great way to let off steam express yourself legally creatively.

That being said, I could definitely do without the wadded panties one can find in blogdom.

Things to know about blogs:

  • People will get mad if they think something has been written about them.

Lie:  It’s What’s for Dinner

Lying to our children.  Super original blog topic, right?  Nobody has ever talked about this before.  Facebook wars absolutely, positively have NOT taken place over this little gem.

</sarcasm>

I’m not going to even start in on the whole I-Lie-To-My-Kid/You-Should-Never-Lie-To-Your-Kid debate.  I’ll leave that to the

An Open Letter to Johnson & Johnson® 

Dear Johnson & Johnson®,

I am writing you today because I’m having some problems with your product, Johnson’s Head-to-Toe Baby Wash®.

First you claim that your product is “Tear Free.” I can personally attest that this is not the case. While bathing my daughter I “accidently” poured some in her eyes to test your theory and she did indeed cry. …

Physically Getting Out of the House in the Morning

After you have kids, you seriously wonder what you did with all of that time that you had before kids.  You know you would sleep in late on the weekends, but at the most that only explains a few hours of what I now fondly remember as “empty time”.  Seriously, what the fuck did you do all day??  Personally, I honestly can’t remember.

Overachieving Mommies . . . The Baby Shower Edition

I have this amazing friend.  She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny, she has an awesome husband who is, gasp, a Lawyer! AND she has a cute as hell three year-old boy.  For the most part, she’s a SAHM who can party like a rock star in Vegas while simultaneously planning a killer playdate.  So basically, I

Ultimate Blog Party 2012 Welcome!

Howdy Y’all!  (Because that’s how we really talk down in this neck of the woods).  If you're reading this post, then I assume you found us at the Ultimate Blog Party 2012.

If you didn’t, here’s a little background on #UBP12 (the cool way of referring to this giant orgy).  It’s a great idea where a bunch of similary styled bloggers link up with one another.  …

Good Christian Bitches

I recently came across an article from a sophisticated news source (RadarOnline) that discussed a simply scandalous situation that, no doubt, has Viagra-and-nitroglycerin-fueled hearts fluttering in Texas.

Apparently, The Houston Chronicle’s “High Society” reporter, Sarah Tressler, was recently fired after

Ten Little Zombies

10 Little Indians Lyrics

One little, two little, three little Indians


Four little, five little, six little Indians

Seven little, eight little, nine little Indians


Ten little Indian boys.

Ten little, nine little, eight little Indians

Seven little, six little, five little Indians

Four little, three little, two little Indians


SanctiMommious Bitch: Biting the Hand That Feeds You

According to the Huffington Post, in a recent interview with MTV, Kate Winslet said that hearing the theme song from “Titanic” makes her want to “throw up.”  In the interview, she stated:

I do feel like throwing up. I wish I could say ‘Oh listen, everybody! It's the Celine Dion song!’ But I don’t. I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll . . . Every time I go into a bar in a hotel where there's a live pianist, or into a restaurant where they’re changing their music according to who walks into the door, it’s thrilling for people to ‘surprise me’ with that song.

Somebody hand me the Kleenex.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Poor, poor Kate. I am sooooooooooo sorry that hearing a wonderfully composed and executed theme song associated with a

Regifting (a.k.a. “Re-gifting”)

Holy cow.  Sanctimommy alert.  A great stationery product line that I’m “friends” with on Facebook (yes, I’m friends with paper) recently posted the following question (which they inexplicably do more often than not. I’m beginning to wonder if they are moving from selling paper to making social commentary. …

Case of the Stolen Grocery Cart

Do you ever just ask yourself, “What the hell is wrong with people?” I ask myself that question constantly. What the hell IS wrong with people? People! Recently I went grocery shopping while my daughter was being watched by my once a week for three hours nanny. That’s right. I have a nanny every Wednesday from 2-5 pm. …

Our Cute Kids

We’ve been seriously busting our collective asses trying to do well in this “Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Blogs” contest.  And by busting we mean sending out a lot of e-mails and Facebook requests and by asses we mean the intelligent donkeys we’ve got penned up in the back yard.  We’re not scared to admit it.  …

Google Analytics

One topic of conversation that mommy bloggers (still working on replacing that term) talk about “behind the scenes” is knowing the who, what and where of our readers.  Some ladies explicitly ask their readers how they found them and some like to see what “Google Analytics” has to say about it.  Basically, we can’t tell what you look like, but we know what area of the country you’re reading us from, how you found us (assuming, of course, you used “

Pressing Questions from my Toddler to ‘Siri’

I wanted a new iPhone one for a while (mine was the 2010 model which meant that is was OLD), but I didn’t want to spend the money.  Unfortunately for me, I took “the boy” on a hike, put my iPhone is the same pocket as his sippy cup which, of course, leaked.  Basically, my iPhone spent a good 30 minutes marinating in apple juice.  …

Daylight Savings Time from a Mommy's Perspective

I used to really look forward to the time change in the fall (i.e., extra hour of sleep).  Now I really look forward to the time change in the spring (i.e., one less hour to entertain “the boy” on that day):

Sweeping Generalizations of Parenting Styles

I am new to the “Twitter World”, and to be honest, I don’t really like it.  99.9% of the people who follow @SmartassMommies look normal enough on my iPhone, but when I get to my laptop to check them out, they all have www.xxx-_______________-.com as their profile address.  Sorry.  Not interested.  For now.

Online Mommy Activities


What Mommies are Really Doing Online

Patron Saint of Lost Children

Did you know that there is no such thing as a Patron Saint of Lost Children? There are, however, Patron Saints of Plasterers, Boy Scouts (I could really get inappropriate with this one), Skiers, and even one for Cramps. But there is not a Patron Saint of Lost Children. Abandoned Children, yes. Lost Children? …

In Defense of a Fellow “Mommy Blogger”

First of all, I hate that term.  Even though I know otherwise, it conjures of an image of a frumpy, middle-aged mommy sitting around in sweats all day doing little more than typing away on her laptop while the little ones are at school.  Well, obviously, part of that is true – “the boy” is at school and I am, in fact, typing, but I can assure you I’m not wearing sweats.  …

My Babysitter is Cleaner Than Your Babysitter

One of my “Likes” on Facebook is a fabulous local mommies blog.  She is not me.  In fact, she is the opposite of me.  Her site provides exceedingly helpful, pertinent and timely information for mommies with things to do in our city.  On a daily basis.  Which means she has to blog work on the weekends.  Well . . . …

Facebook Guilt

Wikipedia has a term for this and that term is “Slacktivism”: 

The word is usually considered a pejorative term that describes "feel-good" measures, in support of an issue or social cause, that have little or no practical effect other than to make the person doing it feel satisfaction.  The acts tend to require minimal personal effort from the slacktivist.  The underlying assumption being promoted by the term is that these low cost efforts substitute for more substantive actions rather than supplementing them.

Facebook Guilt - "Oh, so you 'Liked' that picture?  That child is SAVED!"

I call it “Facebook Guilt” (and have already submitted it to UrbanDictionary – that’s how strongly I feel about this topic) and when it comes to Facebook Guilt – all of a sudden, EVERYBODY is a Jewish Mother!

We’ve all seen ‘Facebook Guilt’ in one form or another.  …

Stuff Memphians Say

I have lived all over the country - Washington D.C., San Francisco, Houston, Nashville, Hot Springs (Arkansas), Wooster (Ohio), Colorado Springs (duh), London (found in almost every state, but I actually mean England) . . . but none of those places has quite the “I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it-ness” of Memphis

Top 7 Things the Pregnancy Books Don’t Tell You

Friends tell me I should write a book. Not going to happen. However, I have had enough people tell me that what I sent below was one of the funniest things they've ever read. I disagree completely; however, after hearing about how many people it's been forwarded to, I decided to post it here to make sure I receive absolute and total credit. …

Valentine’s Day - Part Deux

Just a little follow up funny.  The note from school is true (with identifying information redacted).  My response was only in my head.


From “the boy’s” school:

Dear Families,

Just a reminder that at the Jewish Community Early Childhood Center we do not celebrate Valentine's Day. We celebrate Jewish and National holidays.

Have a great evening and drive carefully,
“School Director”

My response:

Translation:  We will look for any and every Jewish holiday we can find to keep your kids out of school.  Leave it to us and we will find holidays that Hassidic Jews have never even heard about.  However, by G-d we will not, I repeat NOT, have anything to do with any of that Catholic, beheading, cupid crap.  Because that's just horseshit.

Sincerely,
Your Precious Child's Loving School

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. Probably the most stressful holiday ever for the entire male species. As February 14th gets closer, I’m finding myself being battered in the head by pinks and reds. Everywhere I look, I can’t escape it! I even had to go out and find Valentine’s Day cards and gifts for all 14 of my daughter’s classmates. …

What Sleeping in My Own Bed is Like

My homage to "Crappy Pictures” . . . 

Every night, I put “the boy” to sleep in his own bed.  During each and every night, sometime between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., he comes into my room like some kind of stealth ninja boy to finish sleeping the night with me.  Even though I have King-sized bed, despite the laws of physics, geometry and common sense, I am pushed to the side by two 15-pound Westies and a 45-pound 4-year old.  …

Jealousy Photo

Our Thoughts on (some of) the 2012 Presidential Election Candidates

So, it’s time to stick our necks out and let you know what we think about the current roster of Presidential candidates.

As mommies, of course our first priority is our kids, so in that vein, our selection is tainted with the rosy haze of examining the candidates through snot-covered glasses.

Knowing this, we thought it would be helpful to provide a “Presidential Candidate Guide” which ranks the current prospects against our list of “must haves” to find out who comes out on top.

No Artificial Colors

We have absolutely no problems with mommies who have specific dietary restrictions for their kids.  After all, we are the mommies and we are in charge!!  Kids can have medical issues, religious constraints, personal preferences . . . etc. HOWEVER, don’t get all Sanctimommy on our asses about your kid’s food limitations and then turn right around and prove otherwise.  …

Why We Really Read Books to Our Kids

If you’re a good parent you most likely read your kids bedtime stories.  If you don’t, it’s because you probably suck.  I’m just kidding.  Maybe.  In my house this is the time the hubby and I cuddle up with our daughter and enjoy our “family time”.  Considering my husband and I both have an insatiable appetite for books, it’s important to us that our daughter understands the importance of reading.  …

How Many G**damn Awards Shows Are There??

I came across this article online a few minutes ago and I just couldn’t make it past the first sentence:  (From The Hollywood Reporter) “The 15th annual Hollywood Awards took place on Monday night at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, kicking off a months-long season of self-congratulations and chicken dinners shared by the same core group of people.”

Shoving Broccoli Down Their Little Throats

I am a healthy eater.  I mean healthy, healthy.  My favorite foods are salads and vegetables, primarily because they are the perfect conduits for ranch dressing.  I do eat meat, but usually only when somebody else has prepared it for me (God bless you Ruth’s Chris Steak House).  My only vice would have to be my wicked caffeine addition but fuck it!  …

Magical Superpowers and the Amazing Toilet Paper Quest

I am absolutely convinced that I have magical superpowers.  I’m sure your asking yourself, is this woman delusional?  The answer would be no.  If I were delusional I would be booking Kimberly and myself tickets to Hawaii and staying at the plushest hotels.  And forget about the price because I’m stinking rich!  …

Sanctimommies and the Mompetition Wars (Part II):  Shut the Hell Up Gisele

Much ado was made about the supermodel Gisele Bundchen and her “I’m better than you” approach to childbirth and breastfeeding. 

As far as I can tell, here is the link to the original, original article that quoted from the Harper’s Bazaar magazine interview:

There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.

Full disclosure:  I actually liked Gisele as a model.  …

Sanctimommies and the Mompetition Wars

Sanctimommy (sanc·ti·mom·my, noun \ˌsaŋ(k)-tə-ˈ mə-mē\):

A parent who is overly devoted, micromanaging the lives of their children, from the food they ingest to the activities they participate in.  Sanctimommies look down their noses at those who are more liberal in their parenting approach.


Mompetition (mom·pe·ti·tion, noun \ mäm-pə-ˈti-shən\):

The Need for a “Sarcasm Font"

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

~Anonymous

I wish sarcasm was available as a font.

Ok, ok.  We’ll finally just go ahead and admit it.  We’re sarcastic.  We’re very sarcastic.  We obviously have no problem writing with a sarcastic tone, probably because it is the dominant gene in our DNA.  So technically, any font we use is written in “Sartalics”.  However, it has often left us, and many others, to wonder if somebody should develop a “Sarcastic Font” for use in online communication.

Using Profanity on Fucking Facebook

What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck-fuck!

~ Eric Cartman in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

A fabulously funny, intelligent and potty-mouthed Jewish mommy friend of mine recently posted the following comment on Facebook - “I have a filthy mouth and sometimes choose to express myself on FB with "dirty" words. If that bothers you then feel free to hide my feed or unfriend me. …

Retailers Making it Easier for SWI:  Shopping While Intoxicated

But every mommy does it!  So it’s ok if I do it too!!  And by “it” I mean “Shopping Under the Influence”.  Maybe some of us do it so much or so often, that it’s not even considered as something “bad”, “abnormal “ or “unusual”.  And in fact, even The New York Times has recently “discovered” this “latest trend” and reported on this little nugget of joy in an

Anthropomorphic Turkeys: Eating Your Pets for Thanksgiving

Actual note from my daughter’s teacher:

Hello Everyone,

Tomorrow is our Thanksgiving Feast.  We will join the other preschool classes in the Fellowship Hall for lunch.  The menu is turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, cranberry sauce and rolls.  After that, we will continue our study of the Pilgrims, the Native American Indians and turkeys.  I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

~Mrs. Sherry

My response:

Dear Mrs. Sherry,

I'm sure “the girl” will be looking forward to the upcoming Thanksgiving feast.  Good luck trying to get her to eat the turkey though.  Ever since you sent her home with the assignment to dress up a paper turkey in disguise so the farmer wouldn't find it, she has been traumatized.  Once we told her the farmer planned to eat the turkey, we have been forced to change the name of all turkey-related products.  Now everything is known as “chicken.”  Apparently she doesn't give a crap about chickens.  As far as the Pilgrims and Indians go, I know you normally dress the older kids up as Pilgrims and the younger ones get to be the Indians.  That's not going to happen this year.  The girl’s great grandfather was a pure blood Navajo so she will be dressed as an Indian.  Also we would like you to go ahead and give the Pilgrims fair warning, payback is going to be a bitch!

Have a happy holiday.  I will be there at 2 pm to pick my little “savage” up.  Nizhónígo Nee Ado’ááł.

~Stacy



Why the "Jersey Shore" is Better for your Kids than "Dora the Explorer"

You know who pisses me off?  Dora the Explorer.  Now I understand a need for a map on occasion, but this kid can’t get anywhere without it.  Her sense of direction seems as sharply honed as Silly Putty and she doesn’t appear to be able to find her way out of a paper bag.  Thanks for the sweeping gender stereotype, you tiny little bitch.  …

Necessary Facebook Buttons

As you are all very much aware, Facebook gives us a limited number of options when responding to a friend's post, link, video or picture:  "Like", "Comment" and "Share".  I get why they do this, I really do.  Having these "positive" options keeps the conversation light, happy and in fa-fa-la land (for the most part).  …

E-Holiday Cards 

Believe it or not, even this single, working mommy managed to get out a holiday card this year.  As in, professional photographer, order the cards on Etsy.com, order the return address labels on Vistaprint.com, try to use up all of the ugly 42 cent and 2 cent stamps I've had lying around my office for like

Iron Supplements and Magnet Schools

I'll just let the following Facebook conversation speak for itself.  Even though I am also a blond, I decided to just walk away from this conversation after "Patricia" made that haircolor reference.  The problem with trying to argue with a fool is that they will bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience. …

You're Offended By Clucking in the Muppets Movie??

I seriously wish I could make this stuff up.  I just can't.  I was recently privy to a Facebook conversation that stared off innocently, and potentially funnily, enough.  A friend posed the following question on her wall and the first two responses start off like they were supposed to and played along:

Then, THIS guy comes along and


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