I am absolutely convinced that I have magical superpowers. I’m sure your asking yourself, is this woman delusional? The answer would be no. If I were delusional I would be booking Kimberly and myself tickets to Hawaii and staying at the plushest hotels. And forget about the price because I’m stinking rich! I don’t have to worry about the kid either, because I’m sure daddy could totally take off the next month from work to look after her so Kimberly and I could take some time off and recharge our batteries. Oh screw it; we’ll have the hubby take care of Kimberly’s kid too. I’m sure he would be more than happy to do it. Now THAT is delusional!
When I first realized I had these powers was when I was sitting on the toilet seat. There I was, reading my latest edition of US magazine. Which I’m almost positive had Kim Kardashian on the cover of it. Because let’s be honest, US Magazine couldn’t possibly put out a Kardashian-free magazine. The world would stop rotating on its axis, and we would all die in fiery deaths due to earthquakes and global climate change. But don’t worry because the tsunamis that will come after the earthquakes will most likely extinguish the fire engulfing our bodies. But now I’m just rambling. Making a good point, but rambling all the same. So there I was, having some very rare “me” time, when I looked over and sure enough, staring back at me, was an empty roll of toilet paper mocking me and my private parts. “I know, you thought I actually had toilet paper on me. But you were WRONG!! Suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkeeeeerr!” the empty roll said to me.
Of course I can’t call for help, because no one is home except for the dog. And considering my dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs, and even if he did, I don’t think he would bring me toilet paper. Even if I begged him. And even if the kid and the hubby were home, the kid would most likely be in the bathroom with me talking in endless sentences and watching me pee. And the hubby would be watching football and unable to hear my screams over the sound of his own awesomeness.
So now that I know I am the only one in the house with the ability to change the rolls of toilet paper, I decided to test my theory. Instead of changing the rolls for the rest of the family, I decided to put brand new rolls of toilet paper on the back of the toilets to see what would happen. And then I began stalking all six of the bathrooms in our house. And that my friends, is a shit load of toilet paper. No pun intended. We have more bathrooms than we do bedrooms. But the quirkiness of it all is one of the reasons we bought the house. So there I was lurking in the shadows. Holding my breath outside the bathroom doors so I wouldn’t tip anyone off to my presence. I was like a Ninja. A slightly overweight, vodka drinking Ninja. But a Ninja all the same. I waited patiently in the darkness for my prey to exit the bathrooms and go on about their business ignoring my plea’s to take out the trash and pick up their own fucking toys for once. After they were safely away I clung to the walls. Back pressed against the surface of the hallway blending in to the creamy paint that the previous tenants thought was so spectacular they painted every inch of the house in it. Sliding. Sliding. Getting closer to the toilet paper rolls. Ducking! Shifting. Shimmying? And there it was…. fresh toilet paper. On the bathroom floor. You have got to be kidding me.They can’t even pick it up and put it on the roll? And that’s when it hit me. I have magical superpowers.I am the only one in this house that can successfully put the fresh toilet paper rolls back in their rightful place.I . . . am . . . AMAZING! I should probably alert the news stations.They’re going to want to hear about this!
Come to find out from the various news stations in the area and CNN, I’m not the only one with this ability. I just happen to be the only one in my house with this ability. I have been informed, rather harshly I might add, that other women all over the world excluding some third world countries, have been successfully changing toilet paper rolls for decades now. Really Wolf Blitzer, decades? I had even gone out and got myself a super suit with a faux-fur-lined collar embroidered with a fresh roll of toilet paper and made with the silk of a over two dozen silkworm-spider hybrid spiderworms. From silk. Spiderworms. Whatever, look it up. That shit is real! ANYWAY, I was heartbroken. I got the suit and everything. Of course my husband made fun of me and told me I could wear it on Halloween. Sometimes I’m not sure I really like him all that much. But I digress.
So instead of flying from building to building in my Spiderworm Silk Suit, I have decided to give up the spotlight and ask the women of the world to join me in in the worlds first ever TP club. Okay, let’s go ahead and call it a gang. We can all get matching jackets and snap our fingers à la Westside story when we walk down the street. So if you’re the only member of your family who has the ability to change toilet paper in your house join me. And send me $19.95 + shipping and handling for your jacket. You can make the check out directly to the Four Seasons Resort Maui at Wailea. If you could, just include mine and Kimberly’s name on the memo line. We would REALLY appreciate it.