Recently I was formally introduced to the grueling process of applying to a private elementary school. When I went to a private elementary back in the 70’s, all you needed was a love of disco, some feathered hair, and you were in.
But today’s private schools are a different world. It’s all about IQ tests, letters of recommendation, three legged races, and some eye of newt. And my kid is only 5 years old. It’s Kindergarten for Pete’s sake! I had no idea this was going to be as difficult as it turned out to be. Nor did I know that I would have greatly increased my daughter’s odds of success if I had put her name on the waiting list when she was IN MY BELLY. Sadly, this is the reality. There are all kinds of couples out there, just putting their names down on waiting lists, in the off chance that they one day want a child. I, however, am not even close to being that organized. I’m still trying to figure out what to have for lunch.
So being the blind, narcissistic idiots that we are, my husband and I figured our sheer awesomeness guaranteed us admission to the school of our choice.
So we decided to put all our eggs into one very progressive private school basket. Aaaaand… we weren’t awesome enough.
My daughter got wait listed. What? You mean to tell me that the fruit of my loins isn’t good enough for your little hippie school? Maybe my kid doesn’t want to study the mating habits of butterflies in your pretentious little school garden. Maybe she doesn’t want to eat her lunch outside in the sunshine. And maybe, just maybe, she would think going to the Amazon Rain Forest for her future 5th grade field trip is a lame idea. Lame I tell you! Almost as lame as you putting her on the wait list after you said to my face, “She’s an incredibly sweet little girl. We don’t see any problems with her joining our school.” To me that was code for “Wink-wink. She’s TOTALLY in.” But apparently it’s code for “Cough-cough. Better luck next time, suckers.”
Well, I wish the head of administration had said something more along the lines of: “Yeah, your kid is cool. But I’ve seen better.” THAT would have been a comment I could have worked with.
So there we were. Wait listed for the only Private School we had applied to. The public school we’re zoned for was awarded a whopping three out of ten stars by the state’s board of education (but it did receive top honors for “most improved murder rate”). Oh great, not only does my kid have a speech problem (she has what’s called a “lazy tongue”), but she’ll be dumb as a stump, and will have to carry a Glock to school but would be calling it a Gwock and people will think she’s threatening them with an avocado based chip spread.
So on to private school number two and the all dreaded IQ test. I attached a copy of the application so you would know what we’re dealing with here. As you can see, it was a frustrating process:
But after all our hard
work, private school number two accepted us. Not to mention they were “very
excited” about her IQ test scores. So now number one is number done. I would
much rather have a school that wants my child. Who is excited by my child. Who
will embrace my child and all her quirks. Boogers and all. Not to mention the
$500-$600 we’ll save in not buying her the gun. The only down side is, I am now a
mandatory proud member of the PTA. God help us all.