Dear, sweet, baby Jesus. Please help us all.
From the Harper’s Bazaar UK edition:
I had made a decision that I wanted to do (childbirth) naturally. I had been watching all these baby-bonding videos, and (without epidural) when the baby comes out it goes straight onto the breast. Then they showed ones right after the epidural, and that didn’t happen. The baby was a little bit drugged up, and I was like ‘Well, I don’t want that.’ I wanted to give him the best possible start in life I could.
If she had only ended her statement about childbirth with “I had made a decision that I wanted to do it naturally,” then I would have stood up and applauded her with loud, slow clapping noises and said, “Good for you sweetheart!! To each their own (but just know that no extra brownie points are ever given for a ‘natural childbirth’.”
(Side note: As opposed to what, an “unnatural childbirth”?? As in, “please allow me to introduce to you my robot baby”??!?)
It’s the rest of her statement that forces me to point out the sanctimoniousness of what she said:
Without an epidural, the baby comes out and goes straight to the breast . . . without it, the baby comes out drugged up and they don’t.
Translation: Epidurals drug babies and therefore they can’t/won’t breastfeed immediately after birth.
I’ll keep my response simple and use monosyllabic words in case she’s reading this:
That. Is. Not. True.
Since I am not a medical doctor, I’ll just go ahead and link to this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this study. And finally . . . this one. (I will apologize now if any of those links are outdated. I tried).
I wanted to give him the best possible start in life I could.
Translation: Everybody who chooses an epidural is choosing to NOT give their child the best possible start in life for their own selfish desire to avoid excruciating pain.
Here is my experience and my experience only. My little man popped his head out and attached himself to my boob faster than a drunk frat boy. I had an epidural. I also used Stadol (a narcotic). Both were flipping awesome. He was and is perfectly fine.
Quite obviously, I don’t think anybody is going to mistake a supermodel for a medical doctor. At least I hope to hell not – she doesn’t even play one on TV.
However, what these “celebrities” have to realize is that what they say does have an impact on some people and does influence others’ thoughts and decisions and these twits need to be more cognizant of that.
Nevertheless, it is simply irresponsible of anyone to pass along factually incorrect medical information. And additionally, it pisses me off when Mrs. “Judge-y McJudge-erson” implies that anybody who doesn’t do it they way she did it is, implicitly, harming their newborns (yes . . . I’m still looking at you Gisele Bunchen).
So here’s my parody of what Miranda said:
I had made a decision that I wanted to use my brain for a living. I have been watching all of these runway videos and interviews with supermodels and saw that none of them could put together a coherent sentence. The ones they showed were all drugged up and I didn’t want that to happen to me. I wanted to give myself the best possible life and not be known as a half-witted, walking clothes hanger.
Sarcastic translation: All supermodels are idiots. All supermodels use drugs. Supermodels do not use their brain for a living.
See what I did there?
Now, Miranda . . . bless your little heart. But please just keep your lovely little mouth shut and continue to stand there and look pretty.
But a sincere congratulations on getting knocked up by Orlando Bloom. That’s awesome. Marriages between actors and models always last forever. I’m just trying to give you the best possible congratulations that I could.