Admit it. You know you think about doing this.
You have a very bright child.
And you ask that very bright child a simple question (or vice versa).
Next thing you know, you find yourself sucked into a vortex where “toddler reasoning” takes hold and you end up regretting the question and inevitably questioning the outcome.
My child likes to ask me how things are spelled. Simple enough, right? Wrong bitches! For example:
Toddler: “Mommy, what does T-T-F-J-H-I-V spell?”
Me: “That doesn’t spell anything baby.”
Toddler: “YES IT DOES!! Letters ALWAYS spell SOMETHING!!”
Me: “But only if you put them in the right order.”
Toddler: “I DID PUT THEM IN ORDER! I ONLY SAID ONE LETTER AT A TIME!”
Exasperated Me: “Fine then. It spells ‘Ttfjhiv’.” (Makes somewhat of a spitting sound).
Toddler: “SEE!! I TOLD YOU!!”
If you’re honest with yourselves, you will readily admit that you want to talk to your kid less when the conversation begins with something along these lines:
Toddler: “Mommy, why _____________________________?”, particularly if the fill-in-the-blank portion has something to do with God, death, or where babies come from.
And you know that just because you DON’T answer their question and/or answer their question unsatisfactorily, does NOT mean that particular conversation is over. Oh no. It will get much, much worse. We all know that toddlers can go from “calm” to “full-blown melt down” mode in a fucking nanosecond when something doesn’t go their way.
Why does EVERY conversation you have with your toddler have to follow the following format:
Step 1. QUESTION
Step 2. ANSWER
Step 3. DISAGREEMENT
Step 4. REBUTTLE
Step 5. COUNTER
Step 6. CONCLUSION
Step 7. SURRENDER
Step 8. HYSTERICS
Step 9. IMBIBING
This is why we should all talk to our children less.
Conclusion?? I’m raising a damn lawyer. So if you are a Debate Team Scout for the year 2025, you might want to just think about holding a spot open on your team.