Why the "Jersey Shore" is Better for your Kids than "Dora the Explorer"

I don't know what's more awkward, answering Dora or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

You know who pisses me off?  Dora the Explorer.  Now I understand a need for a map on occasion, but this kid can’t get anywhere without it.  Her sense of direction seems as sharply honed as Silly Putty and she doesn’t appear to be able to find her way out of a paper bag.  Thanks for the sweeping gender stereotype, you tiny little bitch.  I’m not sure she should be teaching my kid anything.  First of all, she has only one friend, and it’s “Boots the Monkey”.  Minus one point for lack of originality as the “Man with the Yellow Hat” beat you to the punch in the “monkey as BFFs” contest.  Minus one million as this particular monkey (whose natural habitat appears to be clothing optional) seems to be most comfortable walking around naked yet sporting a pair of red Uggs.  WTF?  No clothing with hot shoes is a great look for a stripper, not so much for a children’s cartoon character.

Secondly, it chills me to even begin to mention “Swiper the Fox.”  Usually, the appearance of a character like this is followed by a shitstorm of outrage regarding the “obvious” racial profiling that has just taken place.  Let me get this straight – the antagonist on a Spanish-based children’s program steals things.  Yep, I’ll leave that one to the morality police to straighten out and discuss.

Finally, I’m also beginning to think Dora may be a little slow.  Have you looked at her face when she asks you what your favorite part of the show was?  She just stares at you like YOU'RE the idiot.  I’M not stupid Dora!  I can find my way to the Troll Bridge without a map you condescending little twat!  And don’t tell me you liked the same part of the show that I did.  I’ve had friends like you in the past.  They only like something after you told them you liked it.  I hate that.

From here on out I think I’ll only let my 5-year old watch the “Jersey Shore”.  That way I can teach her at a young age, “Look! You see what happens when you’re a drunk whore?  You get to be on TV and make TONS of money!  Now here’s a beer, get to it!  Mommy just spent your college money on shoes and false eyelashes.”

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011